Zane’s Log- 9/15/2038

I don’t get Halloween.

To clarify, I intellectually understand it, but beyond that, not so much.

The current permutation involving gluttonous amounts of sugar, and cheap costumes is quite frankly, bizarre. Plenty of worlds have harvest festivals, even Yopmar, despite the fact it hasn’t had an actual fall or harvest for that matter, in hundreds of years. Its weather is generated by complex, computerized systems which long ago supplanted the failing planetary ecosystem.

The belief systems throughout the galaxy are as diverse as the beings within it and their celebrations equally so. In fact, I comprehend the ancient roots of Halloween better than the modern version. Somewhere along the line I think candy companies and the polyester industry subverted it to their purpose.

The other day Katarina mentioned that she wanted to take the kids “Trick-or-Treating” this year and said they’d look adorable and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I believe my reply was, “Huh?”

I know, my eloquence is legendary.

Anyway, after her long, very involved description of the holiday and the explanation of costumes, she suggested we go to some stores to see if they had suitable costumes. I really, really should have just gone with that, but what did I do? I opened my big, fat, mouth.

“Costumes? I’m great at costumes!”

I was an undercover operative for close to two decades. I could transform my appearance so completely my wife wouldn’t know me. Of course, turns out she didn’t want me using prosthesis, temporary genomic manipulations, or any of my hand-dandy go-to skills.

Still, I said I’d take care of it and the pathetic costumes I saw at the store were an insult to the art of disguise. So what am I doing? Fighting with a goddamn sewing machine.

Part of me wants to ask Finn or Kieran to conjure the costumes, but for kraghak sake, I saved the goddamn planet, I can certainly learn to operate a sewing machine.

My children will be the most badass Tweedle whoevers Halloween has ever seen.


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